punkhouse:

@BuckBaller getting Buckwild!

GOOD TIMES!!!!

                                The Sin Commandments

1. Wrath-Have fun, but NEVER hurt anybody.
2. Lust-Be safe, but not TOO safe.
3. Envy-You can’t judge anyone with a drink in your hand. Lets get better looking
4. Pride-Only the Sun can tell you when your night is over. 
5. Sloth-Once a day try to give a fuck. 
6. Gluttony-I’ll try ANYTHING 3 times.
7. Greed-Puff. Puff. PASS!!!

jakeweismanyay:

twoheadedbeast:

One of our favorites, Jay Larson, is back for this month’s show, and the incredible Mike O’Connell makes his debut. Don’t miss it. If you haven’t seen one or either of them, we guarantee you won’t be disappointed. And as always, a gaggle of our best friends are on the show, and good…

Saturday!!!!!!!

James had been BEGGING me to ride his scooter with him FOR AGES!!! I hand’t seen James, who is my best friend in the WORLD, in about Four months. TOO LONG it had been since I had gotten in my James Heaney time. I was always too scared to ride with him, there’s nothing to protect you from yourself or others I kept telling myself, but all I was doing was protecting me from trying new things

    It took James an hour and fifteen minutes to get from his place on Venice Beach to mine in West Hollywood. I came downstair to get on the bike with him, and while rubbing his thighs said “Well Charles, we’re gonna have to wait a while to let the engine cool down; my legs are (In a singing tone.) ON FIIIIIIIYAH!!!” We waited a solid Forty-Five minutes before James handed me a sparkling silver helmet with a day-glow pink star and says ROCKER CHICK on the back. “It’s Erins’, but I don’t think she’ll mind if you borrow it. SAFTEY FIRST!!!” He said as he put on his helmet, and smiled the biggest smile I think humanly capable…

     We got onto the bike and it’s a LONG LONG LONG way to his house on a scooter; especially since it was a sunny Seventy-Two degree Saturday and EVERYONE, and their dog, was headed to Venice!!! The two streets we took were Lacienega for Five miles and another Five on Venice BLVD…PACKED!!! We got out on LaCienega and the cars are in a line like they’re leaving a hazard zone. James looked back and asked “Charles, there’s a reason I own this hog. Can I weave in and out of traffic? Can I show you what my life is like?” He looked forward and I grabbed onto his waist and put my chin on his shoulder and whispered…”Be gentle.” to which he laughed maniacally!!!

     I don’t know how many of you are familiar with my proportions but I am now just the skeleton of a kite; my knees/legs are akimbo on the sides just waiting to hit a bumper or  arm hanging out the window. We ZOOMED through the cars and didn’t stop once; which is AMAZING considering I knocked a rear-view mirror off a toyota corolla with my knee. As I was trying to keep balance I just yelled at James…”GO! GO! GO!!!” and ripped off his license plate and pointed west.

brandonvaughn:

Spirit Animal.

TOO FUNNY!!!

     Ron White walks into a high-end, French, designer, swim-suit store in Beverly Hills. Sounds like it would be the beginning of a joke, but the only joke here is my life.

       I watched him and his (New) wife walk into Vilebrequin, holding a bottle of 350$ wine, they carried over from lunch at the Beverly-Wilshire Hotel. I was worried because we all know his rep is to be the worlds biggest ass-hole, and he doesn’t deny or try to avoid that reputation. He put out his cigar, walked in, and said “How much for ‘em swimmin’ trunks there?” I said “Those are 250$.” “LORD!!! How about that? Y’all must be like In-N-Out Burger; you make one thing and you do it right. People will pay out the ASS!” His new wife gently swatted his chest and said “Ron, you’ve got to settle down or their going to know we’re drunk and make us leave.” “Hell,” He continued, “They ain’t gon’ make us leave. I’m fidin to spend money, that’s all the care about.”

      He was right. It was my Third day working there and I wanted to impress my Regional and Store Managers by doing a great job on customer service, and I wanted to impress him by showing restraint while still giving him the respect he (As a High-End client) deserved. I also had to show restraint inside of me in more than one way; I suffer from Crones Disease and needed to evacuate my bowels, BAD!!! I had just come from my lunch and I “Needed to make room for desert,” as the saying goes… It would have to wait. 

    As the pain in my lower stomach got worse Ron became nicer and nicer without knowing or meaning to. He spoke to me very politely, and NEVER even dreamed of talking down to me. He even let me guide him through the store and tell him our brand history and what we are all about. Why the trucks are so expensive and even gave him advice on where to smoke weed….(In the ally between Rodeo and Beverly.) He thanks me for the help, and stepped outside while packing his one-hitter. He wife then proceeded to talk to me about her family and how well they liked Ron. He came back in signed the receipt. “FINALLY!!!” my bowels screamed, but just as I turned to the restroom he walked back in and asked “Excuse me Sir, but do you mind if I use y’alls restroom?” I couldn’t turn him down, not after a 4300$ sales on Swim-wear…I directed him to the restroom that was for employees only and waited with his wife. We talked about how long they were together (Three years) and why they were in town (A pro-Am golf tornament.) He came out and shook my hand, thanked me again for the help, and slipped me a hundred dollar bill. As I am walking them out I think “WOW!!! Ron White is an INCREDIBLY nice guy. I wish people  knew this side of him.” I turned to the restroom and only one though mattered…”SPEED!!!” No time to do ANYTHING but what is important. I speed walked into the restroom with my pants all ready coming down as I entered through the dressing room, and I sat down ASAP!!! RIGHT INTO A RESERVOIR!!! Ron White had pissed all over the seat and just left it…

davetotheross: These are just DUMB AS HELL in the BEST way possible!!

have you seen the newest WOMEN sketch? i LOVE the newest WOMEN sketch. you should watch the newest WOMEN sketch!!!

cc-studios:

Hi. Welcome To My Bus Bench

…and an all-new episode of The Walsh Bros’ Great & Secret Comedy Show.

GOOD STUFF!!!

(via comedycentral)

punkhouse:

I can’t be here tonight, but my soul will be!!!

(via edgalvez)

 I loved the Barriers; ALL of them. From bitchy Lauren (the Oldest daughter) to Tate (the young son.) and everyone in between. Danielle the most probably, she was my first: love, kiss, relationship, and reason for my best friends to hate me. They were good to me and treated me as such.    

 Van Barrier was always a kind man to me, but he was also the man I watched yell “I’LL THROW IT TO YOU UNDERHANDED IF YOU’LL PUT ON ONE OF YOUR SISTERS SUN-DRESSES!!! Now, choke up on that bat, and get ready for the pitch!” to his eight year old son. I respected both him, and the fear he put into me.

    We got home later than we probably should have been out. My license said I couldn’t drive after midnight, but since Danielle lived in my neighborhood everything was ok. We pulled into the driveway and I noticed everyone had gone to bed. So, I walked her up to her room and tucked her in. All the while being my quietest to avoid waking up Van, Tate, and the other Barriers, but mostly Van. Van worked the graveyard shift at a gas company and WAS NOT TO BE DISTURBED!!!

    I made it out of the house, locking the doors behind me, as I closed their garage door I noticed all the kittens laying in their bed. Ms. Skittles had recently given birth, and you couldn’t leave the garage door open. I snuck into my parents Ford Expedition (A MONSTER) and lightly closed the door. Their driveway was not the easiest to maneuver so a lot of times I would pull up into the grass to provide a better angle. I had a straight shot lined up and I took flight. Back two tires went BUMP BUMP back onto the pavement and the front two tires went BUMP BUMP BUMP CRACK HOWL/SCREAM!!! My body went cold. I put it back into park and got out to inspect the cries coming from around me. I looked all around and then under my car. It was Ms. Skittles. I had somehow forgotten to check for her in the garage to make sure if she was in for the night. SHIT!!! Racing through my mind was , “Don’t just leave. I couldn’t. Oh, someone must have RANDOMLY drove DEEP into your driveway, run over your family cat, now mother to a litter, and then just driven away…ONLY SOMEONE HORRIBLE COULD DO THAT!!!” I kept replaying the outcome in my head. She leaves you, the family that has been so good to you now hates you, and Van wakes up, comes down here and returns the favor for waking him up, BY WHIPPING YOU WITH A CAR ANTENNA. “Please god no!” was the last, and most important thought.

    I went back in the garage. lightly tapped on the door leading to the kitchen. Danette or Mrs. Barrier(If you’re classy) came to the door looking more confused than I had seen her. Holding the door open in one hand and her bathrobe closed in another. “Buck, are you ok? Is Danielle ok? What? I don’t understand. What’s happening?” She said as she stepped out into the garage. “I’M SO SORRY!!! Mrs. Danette, I ran over Ms Skittles and I think she’s dead…I’M SO SORRY!!!” I was SO disappointed with myself.  She gave me a hug as Mrs. Danette often did. Held me tight, and began to cry. “It’s ok, baby. It’s ok. I know you would never do that on purpose. Accidents happen.” She said through a  light trail of tears. This made me feel worse, until…

        Lauren came downstairs and into the garage. “Why are y’all huggin? Buck it’s late. Don’t you live at another house than this one?” Lauren said affectionately rubbing her eyes. Danette, always my champion, came to my rescue. “Buck ran over Ms. Skittles and I’m helping calm him down.” “WHAT THE FUCK BUCK?!?!?!” not so clever, but called for. Ms. Skittles was Laurens’ cat and had been in the family longer than their younger brother. Lauren gave Danette a hug and began to cry. they are both crying now, and all I can think is: Please don’t wake up Van (He is going to have my ass for this. HE’S GOING TO BURN ME ALIVE!!!)

     Then Danielle walks downs stairs…”Buck? What are you doing here? Is everything ok?” “Danielle, I’m sorry, but I ran over Ms. Skittles and she’s dead.” HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO REPEAT THIS?!?!?!  They are ALL crying now. Danielle gives me a hug to reassure I’m still a factor in her life, but I have made her SO SAD that now I’m contemplating leaving for her good. Everyone is crying as the now orphaned kittens start to meow and call at us. THE HITS KEEP COMING!!! It’s going to be a long one for ole Buck. I’ve lost sight of what is now important and I’m just holding Danielle, Danette, and Lauren as we cry and apologize to each other.

       Tate walks down the stairs and into the garage. “No.” I think. I just can’t take this…”Hey BUCK A SAURS!!!” He was smiling through a yawn. “Hey Tate-MONSTER!!!” He ran up and gave me a hug, and said “It’s late. ARE YOU SPENDING THE NIGHT?!?!?” “No, I’m sorry Tate, but I ran over Ms. Skittles, and she’s dead.” It was the hardest thing I’ve had to do, and without a breath he interrupted with “NOOOOO!!! Buck, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!!” He is now cry yelling. I have to look at Eight year old Tate Barrier as lines of snot and tears stream down his face. My heart broke instantly. I had hit a new low. I wanted to shut down and die…Then Van walked into the garage.

      “What the HELL is all of this about? Y’all havin an episode of Maury out here? Buck, son tell me what’s happ’nin.” He put his arm around my shoulder and we left the garage. His arm felt comforting, but it was also well enough placed to grab my throat and induce an ass whoopin’. I walked him around to the car and told him “I ran over Ms. Skittles and now she’s dead. I’m sorry Mr. Van. I really am.”All while telling me “Shit, son. This cat had gone crazier than a football bat after havin’ that litter. She was too old to have kittens, but they wouldn’t listen to me. She has post partum depression or some shit. She kept trying to sleep in the engine of my truck. It was going to be either you or me, but it was going to happen.” He looked under the car, grabbed the cat by its’ legs, took it to the water spout, hosed it off,  walked to the edge of their yard and the woods, and then swung his arm around three times, Olympic Hammer Throw style, and THREW THE CAT THIRTY YARDS INTO THE WOODS. Not just into, but over the beginning tree line. It was not new or old to him judging by his form.  

More Often than Not,

Buck Ball

P.S. But always first, I love you Mom. Keep on prayin’.